i'm getting my new phone, this week. for zero dollars too, oh baby. y'know, like the "cool phone, freak" commercial my sister and i still quote. it'll make up for the fact that i killed the internet on my geek box. at least for a little while.
fourth of july, we (got drunk and) watched the fireworks from the rooftops downtown. and drank more. beer and this drink with oranges and champagne and raspberry vodka. i love it and i love tara and it makes me happy we don't act like we hate each other anymore. speaking of hate, i think someone i care about dearly hates me, or just up and decided to not speak to me. it makes me sad, and i'm wondering what i did/didn't do. all these people i meet (like the twenty year olds and other "old" people last night) are telling me how much fun i'm going to have at UNC. i hope so. i'm living at tara's for a couple days this week, while her parents are gone. good times (in other words, house party) will definitely be had. rachel and i are on a highly dangerous and illegal mission of destruction, meghan should join in too. everyone should. a side note, i might be getting a job soon, too. at a liquor store. "go figure," peter said.
and i'm so having a hotel room party, for my "going away." I'M STAYIN' AT THE HOTEL NOT THE MOTEL OR THE HOLIDAY INNNNNNNNNNN.
the last several days i've been feeling incredibly terrible about myself, and i can't understand why. i nearly started crying today, and that's when i knew something was wrong. i haven't cried since prom night, or when aaron died, and it's not very often that i do. all i know is that i don't like it at all. i have little desire lately to talk to most people, i'm feeling dull and bored. yesterday, i went record shopping with peter (dreamboat annie oh oh ♥). i was supposed to go to the movies and see spiderman 2 with rae, neil, and tim, but i fell asleep at 8:30 because summer-induced insomnia, and general apathy, finally caught up with me. this is not me at all, to be so low. rachel called me today. i heart her, she's one of the few people i know that i want to be friends with when i'm a hundred years old. and one of the few i can see being there for that long. she told me today that i'm the "most forgiving" person she knows.
but lately i've not been in my most forgiving mood. i feel totally hurt and "nobody's allowed to hurt katie." godiloverachel. she's going to alaska in a few weeks, which sucks because when she comes back i'm leaving. i wish i was going to alaska with her. fernando called me today too. i saw/drank with him on saturday and talked to him on sunday. and he called me today. from puerto rico. what. i need a vacation, badly. the siren festival is coming up soon, i'm thinking of spending four or five days in nyc. i think the (temporary) change would do me good.
i'm thinking about going to rain tonight, with meghan and amanda. or with tara and hillary and the etc. and being a slut. who knows though, i'm superbroke. and it's not like they'd play the secret machines or anything good. pssht. i hate club music.
i wish i'd been able to the movies tonight, with missy. because she's left for the va this morning. but soon after she called, i got the headache of the century, because of the rain. an argument with the parents, about my coming home at three in the morning last night, that didn't help either.
but the rest of this weekend looks aok. saturday, breakfast then shopping with vanessa (who's visiting from the cape!), then amanda pelletier's graduation party. i'm sick of the grad parties, but hers should be good (maybe she invited john? i hope ♥). anyways. sunday, hanging out with jb, "for real." and maybe with rae and neil later on, if i have time. or if jb doesn't live up to his word. rae equals my best friend from a million years ago, i love her.
at jon's party last night, there was this boy playing guitar and looking at me intently at several points in the night. and making jokes at me, he made me laugh. he was cute, like the kind of boy whose cheeks you want to pinch. it just sucks that i'm painfully shy in these circumstances, and didn't do anything. i can't remember his name, i think it was john, but he gave me a giant hug when i finally left in the early morning and said he hoped to see me again.
i woke up this morning with this strong desire to shoot someone in the face. well, to shoot a specific person in the face. it's been a long time since i can remember being truly pissed off at someone, but now i remember what it feels like, and i hate the feeling. but i'm sorry, i've reached my limit. i really have. friends don't blow each other off the way this person does, on a constant basis. it's funny in life how you can forgive even the hugest upsets, and then the smallest incident will finally set you off, because you realize that everything hasn't been forgiven, it's just been slowly building up inside you. which is exactly what's happened here. i doubt he knows any of this, but he will soon enough.
ps, all the times you've said "i really wanna hang out with you"? so glad to see you're making such an effort, boy.
today equaled getting ready to go to the school at ten, resting my eyes at quarter after nine cos i had plenty of time, and opening them to find that it was one o'clock. then adam calling me and he and i going to lunch and talking for the first time since fighting two weeks ago. then me buying my amazing graduation dress and etc, then home and more rest, cos i'm sick and all.
tomorrow equals getting my hair cut (finally), graduation ceremony, me giving the only student speech (aka nervousness!), and lots of tears. yeah, i bet even i'm going to cry.
the rest of the weekend equals partyies, definitely.
ps, yeah yeah yeahs performing at the mtv movie awards? um, ok.
the best (belated) birthday present ever. cos morrissey is my hero, or one of them. and according to peter, who gave me the record, morrissey has the same birthday as me. which makes him even more awesome, maybe. today was good. spent the morning lazying/dancing to david bowie, franz ferdinand, and kanye west ("never let me down" = BEST SONG EVER). went to newbury comics, and got the "new" blonde redhead and morrissey albums, j'adore. and saw kill bill vol. 2 again. i love being done with school. donedonedone.
my hair is screaming to be cut. and i want beer so fucking badly. and i need to find someone with a real sense of humor, and take them to see saved! with me.
just when i think i've moved on, everything i felt about jb resurfaces. just when i thought all feelings were clear, everything returns to grey. i'm not going to sit here and deny it anymore. i care about him more than he realizes, more than i let on. he's become such an integral part of my life, i've always cared about him so much more than i care about most people, as so much more than a friend, even after everything. and i can't act like i don't. i just don't know if it's right to tell him this, considering everything. because i know he still cares about me, i just don't know if it's equally. because i know he cares about her too. and i know she cares about him, just as much as i do. i can't be mad at him for that, and i don't want this to be a competition. it just hurts so much. he told me he needs to "get his shit together." and kept emphasizing the fact that no matter what happens, he still wants me to be his friend, which i know will be difficult, to be nothing more than that. he asked me to "take some time and please think about it." i feel like he's already made up his mind, and i've lost. it's true, that somebody inevitably is going to be hurt. and i keep thinking it's going to be me. and i'll have to act unaffected and wear the smile on my face and say i'm ok, like i always do. because i'm the "strong one". i'm sick of being the strong one. i want to be weak for once, i want someone to protect me. and i want it to be him. i just want him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. i just want all this to go away.
he said he wants to talk to me once he's figured everything out. which i can understand. i just don't know how long that will take. i really don't know what he's thinking right now. or what he's going to do. i don't know how this will turn out. and it kills me.
and there's so much i want to say to him. i feel like every time we talk, it's always one-sided. his side. and i guess that's my fault. it's like i become paralyzed and nothing comes out. i just sit there in silence feeling like an idiot. as soon as i hang up the phone with him, all the confusion and chaos inside my head finally crystallizes into cohesive, intelligible thoughts. when it's too late to do anything about it. and i sit there thinking of everything i could have said, everything i should have said, but wasn't able to.